Pupil: Allan Kincaid
Teacher: Tarquin Abercrombie
As you will be aware, Allan was suspended from chemistry lessons indefinitely after only two weeks of the final term. I have had boys make “stink bombs” many times before during my long painful career as a chemistry teacher, but never on a scale of this magnitude. The lethal brew that Allan and his gang concocted was of such a powerful strength that I was certain we’d be getting a knock on the door at any moment from the United Nations Chemical Weapon Inspectors.
The lab had to be cordoned off for over a week. I also had to incinerate the clothes I was wearing on that day, as no amount of washing could eradicate the violent miasma that clung to them. I still suffer from violent headaches and the mere sight of an egg can send me into convulsions. Allan is a bright lad but one day his mischief will be his undoing.
Pupil: William Harding
Teacher: Mr Brevity
Nickname: Mr Tit Watcher
Always late, shows a complete lack of interest in the subject, despises his class, truculent, short-tempered, sexually and emotionally repressed and appears to hate the world. Well, that’s enough about me—let’s move on to William.
This term William has been a pleasure to work with—well, pleasure is a strong word—let’s just say he has been innocuous, which is a blessing from my point of view. He has grasped the basic concepts of the English language—and I mean the basics—which in itself is some achievement compared to the rest of the dunderheads in my class.
He can string a coherent sentence together (usually negative). He can differentiate between sarcasm and aggressive tirade. But, most impressively, he can spell the words, “antidisestablishmentarianism” and “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia” so he has no fear of long words. What use these skills are in the outside world is unclear to me unless he plans to make a living from appearing on game shows.
Pupil: Gordon Robinson
Teacher: Mr Fructose
Nickname: Mr Fuck Toes
In preparation for final exams, we conducted a mock-up exam. Here are some of the rudimentary questions that were set for the class and some of Gordon’s answers.
1: Who was the ruling British Monarch during the Crimean War?
2: How long was Queen Victoria on the throne?
About twenty minutes each day.
3: Who was the leader of the Bolshevik movement who went on to become the first leader of the newly formed USSR?
4: During which war was the “Battle Of The Bulge” fought?
The Great Escape
5: What significant world event occurred on December 7th 1941?
My dad was born.
6: Who was the last Tsar of Russia?
Saint Nicholas or possibly that Gorbachev geezer.
As you will see, Gordon’s grasp on history is bloody woeful. At first, I thought he was trying to be amusing but having taught the boy for three pointless years, I believe his answers are genuine. I see little point in him turning up for the final exam.
Pupil: William Harding
Head Of Year: Mrs Echo
Nickname: Rinse and Repeat
John has a tendency to talk over the top of you and argue the point when he is quite clearly wrong. Academically gifted yet socially obtuse. This could explain the incident in which he was completely bound in gaffer tape and tied to the crossbar of the rugger posts. I do not condone this sort of behaviour and the teachers involved have been severely reprimanded. However, I hope he takes some lessons away from this unsavoury incident.
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